I hate the process.
No, really. I like finished products. I like accomplishing things. I like checked-off to-do lists. And I love when I can look at something and say it’s done.
It’s why I have a closet full of abandoned crafts that were taking too long to complete. It’s why I’m tempted to play dumb computer strategy games that you can beat. It’s why I rush through novels as fast as I possibly can.
And it’s why I am really bad at being human – a sinful, broken human.
I want to be as wise as possible because I don’t want to make the foolish, youthful mistakes humans are prone to [and I try to hide my absolute fear at the fact that most of the time I have no idea what I’m doing in life – but that’s another post for another day]. I want to finally reach a point in life where I’ve learned how to balance everything and be an awesome teacher and have enough money in my bank account at the end of the month. I want to hear “well done, good and faithful servant” but I don’t want to wait until I die. In my mind, that’s an achievement to be unlocked as quickly as possible – how foolish!
I want answers, not questions. I struggle with knowing how to pray – I want clarity, not greater trust. Or if I’m really honest, I want greater trust so that I can get to what I really crave – the clarity. I value appropriate behavior above relationship with God. I want to be right, to behave right to become what I know He has made me to be in Christ – NOW. I don’t want to wait for glorification or to wait for the natural growth of sanctification. I’m so impatient with others, with God, with myself.
This is why I need other people to share my heart, to understand this about me, and to patiently show me that He who began the work will be faithful to complete it. This is why I can’t do this alone. I will never be okay with the process unless I have very patient people around me who tell me to rest. I will never be okay to wait on the Lord unless I’m seen in this mess and I’m gently and kindly loved in it.
I am thankful for those who have done this in the past. And while it feels like that will never happen where I live now, I’m trusting that I’m supposed to be here and God will provide – in His time – those people who can do that for me here. I hope I can do the same for them, whoever they are.