I’m ready for…

…the heat to be scorching and unbearable.

…cold early mornings that require long sleeves.

…canoeing and hammocks and hikes.

…lightning drills and the chaos of planning around them.

…Catchphrase with the staff.

…walking into the [old] Ranch House to check the mail.

…the chapel trail.

…runs to the Island when I don’t want to.

…Chaco tans.

…hi, hi, hiyah.

…chapel the first night compared with chapel the last night.

…Sunday mornings at the Drip.

…double-chocolate chip cookies.

…sunsets at the upper field.

…Ingles.

…the chaos of camp-wide games.

…popsicles.

…tie dye [!]

…quiet times before everyone wakes up.

…good conversations.

…sweet moments with Jesus.

…grace upon grace.

BUT today I am here, not there. Today I’m sitting in the break room at work, doing less exciting but no less essential kingdom work. Today I’ve got to give a quiz and a test and grade them this weekend while planning for next week. Today I’ve got 100 students that need Jesus just as much as the 1000 campers we’ll see this summer.

Pray that I, even in my excitement, not miss today because I’m looking for tomorrow?

Love.

Convicting truth.

Christian fasting is not only the spontaneous effect of a superior satisfaction in God; it is also a chosen weapon against every force in the world that would take that satisfaction away.

The greatest enemy of hunger for God is not poison but apple pie. It is not the banquet of the wicked that dulls our appetite for heaven, but endless nibbling at the table of the world. It is not the X-rated video, but the prime-time dribble of triviality we drink in every night. For all the ill that Satan can do, when God describes what keeps us from the banquet table of his love, it is a piece of land, a yoke of oxen, and a wife (Luke 14:18-20). The greatest adversary of love to God is not his enemies but his gifts. And the most deadly appetites are not for the poison of evil, but for the simple pleasures of earth. For when these replace an appetite for God himself, the idolatry is scarcely recognizable, and almost incurable.

Jesus said some people hear the word of God, and a desire for God is awakened in their hearts. But then, “as they go on their way they are choked with worries and riches and pleasures of this life” (Luke 8:14). In another place he said, “The desires for other things enter in and choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful”(Mark 4:19). “The pleasures of this life” and “the desires for other things”—these are not evil in themselves. These are not vices. These are gifts of God. They are your basic meat and potatoes and coffee and gardening and reading and decorating and traveling and investing and TV-watching and Internet-surfing and shopping and exercising and collecting and talking. And all of them can become deadly substitutes for God.

-John Piper, A Hunger for God

Oh so grateful…

Things I’m grateful for today:

Jesus and the cross that saves and sustains and protects, in spite of my selfish and prideful and idolatrous heart.

Spring weather where the front door can stand open and the birds can be heard loud and clear.

The combination of Casi Cielo and Sumatra coffees in the coffeemaker.

Old friends that refresh my heart.

The privilege of teaching the Bible day in and day out even though I don’t deserve it.

Good haircuts.

Finishing a watercolor and loving it.

God’s faithfulness to refine and crush us for our good.

Sleeping in until 8 because it’s Spring Break.

Checking things off to-do lists.

Meeting new people who also have had their hearts captured by the gospel.

Waking up and realizing my birthday is in 2 days!

Good smelling candles from Bath and Body Works.

Dying to self.

The Avett Brothers, Jon Foreman, Mumford and Sons, Shane and Shane.

Colored tulips in the kitchen.

Getting emails that a monologue I wrote in high school is still being performed by people.

The tender, tender grace of a God who knows my weakness and loves still.

Handstands and cartwheels.

Mail.

Honeymoon chats with the roommates.

Getting better at cooking.

God’s faithfulness to provide.

Hope that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

The ability to run, even when I hate it.

Knowing it is well with my soul.

Oh, all this is grace.

The process.

I hate the process.

No, really. I like finished products. I like accomplishing things. I like checked-off to-do lists. And I love when I can look at something and say it’s done.

It’s why I have a closet full of abandoned crafts that were taking too long to complete. It’s why I’m tempted to play dumb computer strategy games that you can beat. It’s why I rush through novels as fast as I possibly can.

And it’s why I am really bad at being human – a sinful, broken human.

I want to be as wise as possible because I don’t want to make the foolish, youthful mistakes humans are prone to [and I try to hide my absolute fear at the fact that most of the time I have no idea what I'm doing in life - but that's another post for another day]. I want to finally reach a point in life where I’ve learned how to balance everything and be an awesome teacher and have enough money in my bank account at the end of the month. I want to hear “well done, good and faithful servant” but I don’t want to wait until I die. In my mind, that’s an achievement to be unlocked as quickly as possible – how foolish!

I want answers, not questions. I struggle with knowing how to pray – I want clarity, not greater trust. Or if I’m really honest, I want greater trust so that I can get to what I really crave – the clarity. I value appropriate behavior above relationship with God. I want to be right, to behave right to become what I know He has made me to be in Christ – NOW. I don’t want to wait for glorification or to wait for the natural growth of sanctification. I’m so impatient with others, with God, with myself.

This is why I need other people to share my heart, to understand this about me, and to patiently show me that He who began the work will be faithful to complete it. This is why I can’t do this alone. I will never be okay with the process unless I have very patient people around me who tell me to rest. I will never be okay to wait on the Lord unless I’m seen in this mess and I’m gently and kindly loved in it.

I am thankful for those who have done this in the past. And while it feels like that will never happen where I live now, I’m trusting that I’m supposed to be here and God will provide – in His time – those people who can do that for me here. I hope I can do the same for them, whoever they are.

 

Miscellaneous.

Life feels really crazy right now. It’s normal crazy in lots of ways, at least for teacher life [which is pretty crazy on its own]. Here’s a list of all the things/responsibilities going on:

1. Trying to move house stuff around for a new roommate to move in
2. Building shelves/refurbishing a shed for my things/her things3. Alumni Leadership Council
4. Photography stuff to finish
5. Prom [I'm a junior class sponsor, we have to do workshops]
6. Running [the half is this weekend!]
7. Church stuff [I've joined a small group on Mondays]
8. Trying to be the best teacher possible
9. Developing a potential gymnastics program at my school [before April]
10. Building relationships here

All of this [and the hundred other little things I'm forgetting] mean that life can seem very, very full. But it’s good, even in the hustle and bustle and difficulty.

I’ve been reading “Ruthless Trust: a Ragamuffin’s Path to God” by Brennan Manning and he talks a lot about how gratitude is an overflow of the heart that trusts God.

And I am grateful – for roommates and for redesigns and for feeling like this school is a little bit more home and for conversations with sweet students and wonderful notes in my box and chocolate chip cookies and SUFFERING that makes us look more like Jesus and the way the days are getting longer and the way I feel after long runs and even the pain of being able to run and giving books to students and coffee in the mornings and Saturdays when I get to sit and be with Jesus.

All these are grace. Because as much as I’m doing, doing, doing in all those areas of my life, my value and the gifts God gives me are not determined by how I perform. They’re only ONLY because Christ gave His life for me. They’re only because I can receive full rights of sonship in Jesus. They’re only because I’ve been adopted into God’s family and He’s a good Father who gives good gifts.

Let us rest in that truth even amidst the busy-ness.

Through and Through.

You see me

and you know me

and you love me

through and through

I love songs with rich theological depth, songs that make me think and meditate on the complexities of the gospel and Christ’s sacrifice.

But sometimes I need to be reminded of the sweet simplicity of grace – being known and loved still. I need to just sit and remember that because of Christ’s finished work I am safe to be honest with myself, with my students, with my friends, and with the Lord. May I–we–walk in that today.

 

Newness of life

“Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so we too might walk in newness of life.”
Romans 6.4, NASB

I had to memorize Romans 6.4 for Romans class in college, and that one phrase has stuck in my heart since – “newness of life.”
What a beautiful thing to know that now with Christ we have new life to walk in and soak up and enjoy.

He is faithful to finish it.

I got an email tonight while reading/planning at Starbucks. It’s from a former camper who I talked to a little bit this past summer. Here’s part of it:

Subject: He who began a good work in you will carry it to completion

…When camp ended, I just couldn’t get over what you and I talked about. What you wrote on that card, I never forgot. I literally framed it and read it everyday. So I decided to act upon it. I started doing a devotion book every morning, that allowed me to look up verses in my Bible and use them throughout my day. I began memorizing and actually understanding what I was reading. I try to make sure it’s not part of my routine, I want it to be something I look forward to, not something I have to. “He who began a good work in you will carry it out to completion.” Its something that i actually believe now. Lets just say, it truly changed my life. Ever since that one week in the summer, my relationship with my parents has been better, my eating habits are better, and my attitude towards life has totally changed. I even joined my Churches youth group! No longer am I on a rocky road with God but I have realized that when I’m at my weakest I’m at my strongest and he’s always there for me…

All my discontentment with life and my messy “Why, Lord?” emotions went away. I am…so undeserving to get emails like this. What a gift of grace. And even more than that, I am so undeserving of this life. I don’t just get to tell girls like this one about God’s faithfulness during the summer, I get to do it all the time. I get to introduce people to the God that will never let go of them. All of life is kingdom life, but boy do I get a front row seat to His action.

So today I end the day thankful. I’m thankful for fun freshman who are using my [sweet!] dance moves during their lip sync. I’m thankful for heart carrots and the opportunity to serve a sick roommate. I’m thankful for NT Wright and a new understanding of the gospels. I’m thankful for Casa Cielo coffee and a forgotten gift card that allowed me to buy some. I’m thankful for worship music that soothes my soul. I’m thankful for wonderful emails that bring me to tears. And most of all, I’m thankful for God’s grace that allows me [broken and sinful and messy and rebellious me!] to be called a saint, a member of the household of God, and a minister of the new covenant. He is good.

 

Sovereign.

This was one of my favorite songs we sang at CrossPointe, and I’ve had it on repeat these past few weeks.

Isn’t it easy to give a lot of lip service to God’s sovereignty? I was texting with a dear sweet friend about how the Lord knows our painful situations and will not allow them to consume us. Because Christ took the crushing that we deserve, we can know that our painful circumstances are only for our good and our joy, not to ruin us.

But man is it harder to believe that when we are in painful or even ordinary circumstances. It’s harder to trust God’s goodness when that friend has cancer or that financial situation looks impossible or that friend is barren or there doesn’t seem to be real community to be found anywhere. And I know for me it’s even harder to believe His sovereignty in the utterly mundane moments of life. It’s harder to believe that this life – this really normal and boring and lots of time uncomfortable life – is part of His plan to give me abundant life. This, Lord? You’re using this?

And the resounding answer is yes. He uses all things for His glory and my joy. He uses joyful circumstances [camp this summer], painful circumstances [leaving CrossPointe], and mundane circumstances [grading a hundred final exams] to transform me from one degree of glory to another. He’s good enough and powerful enough to use all these things to make me [and you] look more like Jesus.

So this Christmas rest knowing that He (our faithful and loving and KIND Father who gives good gifts) is in control of all things.

Salad spinning and half-marathons.

So this summer I spun a lot of salad.

Every day in the dining hall, the staff of Camp Lurecrest goes through tremendous amounts of lettuce at the salad bar. And all that lettuce has to be washed and spun. It’s a long and laborious job, and no. one. likes doing it. It’s not fun like cutting pineapples or making chicken sandwiches. It’s just a pain.

And I did it almost every other day. If there wasn’t something else to be doing, I’d ask Nate if the lettuce needed to be washed and he’d say yes, so I’d head to the fridge ["Jordan" is her name ] and grab out a few bags. And I hated it the whole time, but I got really good at it.

I was thinking about washing that lettuce the other day, and about frying the french fries and making eggs [all jobs no one likes]. I would, almost without fail, volunteer to do them daily, even though I hated them.

Why?

Because I knew I was loved.

Now stay with me for a bit. This summer was a summer of soaking in God’s love, of resting in the gospel, of joy in friends and life and Jesus. I woke up daily aware of God’s presence and my desperate need for Him. There were questions I had and feelings I had that I didn’t talk to anyone about except Him. I would take my hopes and fears and desires and throw them on Him at every moment, and in return I experienced an assurance of His love.

So when it was time to volunteer for those awful kitchen jobs, I volunteered. After all, He was loving me so well, why not love the other cooks well? And I had such satisfaction in Him that even when I was doing things that were uncomfortable or unpleasant I was filled with joy. So I grew to love putting myself last and volunteering to go get the lettuce and cut it. Not because Sarah is so good and unselfish, but because the gospel destroys my unselfishness.

I haven’t spun lettuce in awhile.

Actually I did it a week ago when I made hot and spicy tofu, but it was dumb because I should have just washed my little lettuce by hand. But as I was spinning it in a normal-sized salad spinner, my mind flashed back to camp. And I realized that I’ve pretty much been doing things that make me comfortable.

Yes, I unload the dishes every once in awhile, but that’s more because I feel guilty if my roommate does it all the time and I don’t. I’ll pick up my room when I don’t feel like it and I’ll grade when I don’t, but that’s out of obligation and not joy.

So I’m going to run a half marathon [13.1 miles]. I start training tomorrow.

Really I’m terrified, because I lack mental toughness and that’s what running half marathons is all about. I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to under-train, and most of all I don’t want to spend my free time and free energy running. I’d rather come home, put on a record, and watercolor. All. Day. Long. This life isn’t about my happiness and comfort, however. And if I only do things that are easy and comfortable, what good is that? I read Proverbs 14.23 yesterday – “In all toil there is profit, but mere talk tends only to poverty.“

More important than fighting my selfishness is seeing Jesus. The reason I’m not dying to myself here and not doing hard things for the glory of God is because I’m not soaking in the love of God. I’m not soaking in all that is mine in Christ. I’m not resting in the forever-finished work on the cross. I’m not throwing my heart and emotions and hurts and fears on Him. I’m turning inward or going to friends or frittering away my time on useless things.

So those many, many hours of training will be useful because I can spend them in focused and intentional meditation on Christ and all that is mine in Him – all the “blessings in the Beloved”.

I’m telling you, friends, because I hate to fail. And if I tap out or give up because I’m selfish, I want my sin to be evident so I can’t excuse it. And if I successfully do this, I want it to be clear that it is only Jesus. May running this half-marathon be as fruitful as spinning salad.

Love you all
-Snix.
[P.S. It's March 3rd]